There I was fresh out of a 10-year relationship, back in the dating pool, and experiencing all the same feelings I had when I was dating back in my twenties.
Will he call?
When will I see him again?
What if I’m not good enough?
What if I’m screwing up and don’t even know it?
How should I behave to fit into his world?
How do I handle the time in between our calls and dates?
Had I known anything about attachment style at that time, I would have quickly recognized these feelings and questions as the result of my unhealed anxious attachment style and could have taken steps to soothe and manage it. It had subconsciously driven my early dating behavior, and here it was again re-emerging with a vengeance.
What I also failed to realize was how this attachment style was showing up in all parts of my life, such as how I presented in a job interview, my extreme people-pleasing tendencies, the intense need I felt to control situations, people, and outcomes, my inability to negotiate.
In everything I did, there was this deep underlying desire to be seen as good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and to prove that I was worthy.
As a result, I over-gave. I emptied my cup and continued to pour, even with nothing left to give. This was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining and, unbeknownst to me at the time, was taking a severe toll on my health.
Looking back, I can remember the almost chronic anxiety that resided in my gut. My stomach would get in knots about the most minor events that felt out of my control. I did everything I could to keep myself and my loved ones safe and within arms reach. I was a leader in my career, but I struggled to delegate tasks because I felt that I was the only one who could do things thoroughly and to my standards. So, rather than seek help, I worked myself hard, made a lot of people happy, and quickly reached a state of burnout.
At the time, I thought it was my survivor skills and strong work ethic.
After all, I had been raised to work hard and expect little in return, and to humbly keep on giving even if compensation was minimal. In other words, I had been taught to run myself into the ground all in the name of serving others. I had watched my parents and many other adult influences in my life live by this belief. Anything else was considered selfish and a luxury, and we weren’t people of luxury.
After the end of the relationship mentioned above, I started going to therapy for the first time in my life. Thankfully, I had a therapist who was knowledgeable in attachment theory and quickly recognized my anxious tendencies. She gave me the book “Attached” to read, and my life changed forever. Suddenly, things started to make sense. I could look at patterns in my dating history and finally see them as products of my attachment style rather than flaws in my character. I began to have so much compassion for past versions of myself because I finally understood that I wasn’t broken, I was anxious, and it was something I could heal.
For the very first time, I felt empowered, not just in my attachment style but in my life.
That is where my healing journey began. It was as if someone had flipped on a light switch, revealing insights I hadn’t known and causing things to finally make sense. As I did the work of healing my anxious attachment style, I was also connecting with my worth for the very first time. I began to see myself not as less-than or in need of improvement, but rather as whole and worthy just as I am. I didn’t need to “fix” myself for anyone or try to fit a mold to make someone else happy.
I discovered the luxury of saying no, without the addition of an explanation or an apology. Let me tell you, there is power in that!
The “luxury” of saying no. Remember above where I stated that I had been raised to put my head down, behave, and be silent because we weren’t people of luxury? That’s right. When saying “no” is considered a luxury, a young girl of non-luxurious background is not taught how to use it. Interestingly, this has influenced my journey to now lead powerful, luxurious wellness retreats. Luxury, you see, extends beyond the standard of accommodations, food, and environment. It encompasses the values, qualities, and character that we can choose—yes, choose—to embrace.
I believe everyone can transcend their attachment style, which may initially seem like a hindrance or roadblock, and heal the stories and beliefs that shaped it.
This transformation allows us to take control of our lives in luxurious ways: the luxury of saying no, the luxury of making choices without fear of judgment, and the luxury of living authentically and powerfully. After all, these should not be seen as luxuries, but rather essential skills everyone should learn to embrace. These essential skills are at the heart of what we cultivate in the luxury wellness retreats that I now lead. By fostering an environment where these values are prioritized, we empower participants to embrace their true selves and lead lives of intentionality and fulfillment.
No one should feel that living according to their beliefs is a luxury; it should be a fundamental right accessible to all.
At the start of my healing journey, I began applying my new learnings not only to my romantic relationships, but also to my relationship with myself and all other areas of my life. It was amazing how the sense of control I had always been seeking to have was suddenly happening very effortlessly and not driven by an anxious need to prove myself. I could relax into the knowledge that everything did not need to rest on my shoulders and that if I was showing up as my best, it wasn’t up to me to worry if others saw it as good enough or not. I was also able to recognize that everyone else is also acting in accordance with their attachment styles, beliefs, and stories, and they deserve grace as well.
As I became aware of how my attachment style was influencing my life, I couldn't ignore its impact on my physical health.
Years of stress and anxiety had taken a toll, particularly on my gut health. This led me to functional medicine and my first experience with detoxing. By integrating mindfulness practices and adopting a mindful approach to living, I gradually transformed my health. Through consistent lifestyle changes, I healed my adrenals, which had been in stage 2 or 3 adrenal fatigue, without relying on medication. I changed my life and my health, and attachment theory played a significant role in that transformation.
Understanding how your attachment style affects your health can be a powerful tool in achieving overall well-being.
Attachment theory, rooted in the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape our patterns of attachment, which in turn influence our behavior, emotions, and health throughout life.
What is attachment style?
Attachment styles are categorized into four main types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These styles are formed during early childhood based on the consistency and quality of care we receive from our primary caregivers.
Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style generally had responsive and nurturing caregivers. They tend to trust others, feel comfortable with intimacy, and have healthy self-esteem.
Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style often had inconsistent caregiving. They may crave closeness but worry about their partner's availability and responsiveness.
Avoidant Attachment: This style typically develops from a history of caregivers being emotionally unavailable or rejecting. Individuals with this style may value independence to the point of avoiding emotional intimacy.
Disorganized Attachment: Often stemming from trauma or abuse, this style is marked by a lack of clear attachment behavior. Individuals may exhibit contradictory behaviors and have difficulty regulating emotions.
Your attachment style can significantly impact your mental health.
Securely attached individuals tend to have lower stress levels and better emotional regulation. In contrast, those with anxious attachment may experience higher levels of anxiety and a propensity towards depression. Avoidant individuals often struggle with emotional intimacy, leading to chronic stress. Disorganized attachment is associated with a range of mental health issues due to the underlying instability and trauma.
What are some physical health implications?
The influence of attachment styles extends to physical health as well. Securely attached individuals often make healthier lifestyle choices and have better immune function. Anxiously attached people might have higher cortisol levels due to chronic stress, increasing the risk of various health conditions. Avoidant individuals may neglect self-care and suffer from chronic stress. Those with disorganized attachment are more susceptible to a wide range of health problems due to the compounded effects of stress and emotional dysregulation.
Our attachment styles profoundly affect our relationships, which in turn impact our health.
Securely attached people tend to have healthier, more supportive relationships, fostering better overall well-being. Anxious and avoidant attachments often lead to relationship stress and conflict, contributing to poor mental and physical health. Disorganized attachment can result in unstable relationships, further compounding stress and health issues.
Take control of your attachment style by implementing some of these strategies for improving health through attachment awareness.
Understanding your attachment style is the first step toward improving your health and well-being. Here are some strategies to help foster secure attachment behaviors:
Therapy and Counseling: Seeking professional help can provide valuable insights into your attachment style and help you develop healthier patterns.
Mindfulness and Stress-Reduction Techniques: Practices such as meditation, yoga, and deep breathing can help manage stress and improve emotional regulation.
Building Supportive Social Networks: Surrounding yourself with supportive and trustworthy people can help create a sense of security and belonging.
Developing Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Learning and practicing healthy ways to cope with stress and emotions can enhance your resilience and well-being.
Your attachment style plays a crucial role in shaping your mental and physical health. By exploring and understanding your attachment patterns, you can take proactive steps to improve your well-being. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and healing, and remember that it’s never too late to foster healthier attachment behaviors.
For further reading and professional help, consider resources such as attachment-based therapy, self-help books, and workshops focused on emotional health and relationships. Your path to a healthier, happier life starts with understanding and nurturing your attachment style.
At the end of the day, remember this: attachment style is formed and can be re-formed.
It is not concrete. It is not written in stone. It is like clay, initially molded into one form but capable of being reworked into any shape you choose. The power to reshape it lies with you.
And remember, choice is a right, not a luxury.
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